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Post by jacquelynchaput on Aug 3, 2007 9:39:46 GMT -5
Jax looked at the Professor as if her world had just shattered into a million pieces. We can't control it? Jax was sure that statement was untrue. There had to be a way to change, reverse, and in all ways control the feelings. Jax had just come up with a solution just days before when talking with Drew. All she had to do was flip the feelings she was feeling towards the girls, so that she felt them towards a guy. Jax had already determined that she must have been seding out the signals a girl would send out toward a guy, any ways, so why couldn't she change who she felt attraction for. Confusion crossed the girls face, along with a deepened sadness. "We can't control it?"
Professor Hectis was older, obviously, and in Jax's eyes that made her more knowledgeable. Sure, Jax figured it was mostly about plants, but there still was some knowledge. So, when her statements came out as they did from the woman, Jax by default was already starting to believe them. This was horrifying for the young thirteen year old. She had thought it out, analyzed her problem, and knew exactly what she had to do in order to switch herself around. But she found, she kept glancing over in the directions of some of her female classmates every once and a while. Jax kept telling herself that it took time to switch back to being a normal girl, especially since she had no idea how she had gotten all messed up to begin with.
Jax said no more but thought about what else the woman said. Imagine how she would be without the feelings? A lot better in Jax's mind. She did remember the time before she started liking anyone. She'd hang out with the guys, dress, talk, and act the way she wanted without a care in the world. Then the rumors in grade school had started and she couldn't understand why everyone started to care so much. By now, she had concluded that it was because they knew something that at the time, she herself did not. Jax was found out way before her time. But then, Jax found her way to Hogwarts. No one seemed to judge to much, and everyone was cool.
That was until she started having such feelings. Such horrid realizations that she was different. Just as the other kids had said. She wasn't normal. All Jax wanted to be was normal. And without another thought about it, Jax said out loud...."I'd be normal."
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Post by fauna on Aug 4, 2007 15:30:23 GMT -5
She looked floored, she did. Fauna frowned a little at having made the girl probably feel worse than she already did. But in her world what she said had felt as true coming out of her mouth as it had felt. The look on the girl's face was a crestfallen one and Fauna was sorry that she had to be the one to put it there. It was the last statement to what she had said that made a look of surprise come unto her face, and left her mouth in the shape of an "O." Did she really believe that? Did she really think that a lack of emotions and feelings would make her like the rest of her classmates? Fauna frowned once more, something she rarely did, and it was at this moment hat she felt this went way beyond surface level words. There was something else going on inside the girl's head, something that was going to be hard to get out, which was making the girl's world turn inside out. Fauna remembered one of the first things she had said to her this day. "But no brain to think too much with either." With which Fauna had responded that they didn't have to worry about anything...Or something to that affect anyway. "Deary...Do you think that I am normal? Do you really think that anyone in this school is 'normal?' To my knowledge everyone in this school is unique in ways that one cannot begin to comprehend. The feelings that you have, no matter whom towards or why, are what sets you apart. They are yours and only you can feel them."
"I am a mother of two and I have become quite used to pickings up things left unsaid. Especially when it has something to do with one of my own. While you are not either of my sons, you student. Which makes you one of my own. I have a feeling that these feelings you are having...That they scare you." Why else would she look so stricken when Fauna said that they could not be controlled? "Why should such things scare you deary?" Of course it all had something to do with her being different, that is why she would want to be "normal," but it went beyond just looking different and speaking differently. It may go in an entirely different direction for all she knew. However, she was not dealing with an eight year old boy, or a five year old. In fact Jacquelyn was not part of the male species at all. Fauna would have remember some of the girl talks she and her friends had at thirteen. Being surrounded by males did have its disadvantages.
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Post by jacquelynchaput on Aug 6, 2007 18:24:59 GMT -5
Scared? Jax....? No. Jax wouldn't admit it, but she wasn't scared of how she felt, but how the world reacted before she had even known how he actually felt. The ridicule, the names, as well as the jests and looks. The fear of being rejected on so many levels that ranged from her father, professors, students, classmates, right down to the girls she found that she crushed on. All of which Jax figured that would reject her eventually. Hadn't they already proved that much?
"Scared? I'm not scared of anything." Jax put up her usual front of strength. She was keeper of her quidditch team, a pretty good little witch when it came to her studies, why or what would she have to really be afraid of? ....Being different, that's what. And as the professor explained to her how she could read between her words, Jax almost wondered if it was such a bad thing that her mother had left her at such a young age. Jax was almost sure that her father never caught up on anything....in between the lines?...or however Hectis had put it.
"But no...I mean..." Jax stumbled over her own explaination. "I just....there's some things that are normal....that....." Jax didn't know how to say it or say anything. Jax sighed and crossed her arms. She looked back at the armor and wanted so badly not to want to be a knight in shinning armor. She didn't want to be the one who dreamed of saving the damsel in distress. Jax didn't want the feelings that she had. She wanted some normality. "I don't believe everyone is normal," Jax said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I just.....I wish I wasn't alone...."
(Sorry,....bad post)
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Post by fauna on Aug 7, 2007 20:16:22 GMT -5
Fauna raised her eyebrows and then lowered them. Her eyes were still on the girl. It was obvious to see that Jacquelyn wasn't really sure how to articulate what she was feeling, which made it all the more difficult for Fauna to pin point exactly what the problem was. She tried to piece together what the young one was saying. Obviously it had to do with relationships, and it was in this subject area that she felt left out. That she didn't fit in with the rest when it came to the young men. Fauna tried to tell her that it was normal if she liked a boy or if the boy liked her, or if she liked the boy but he didn't like her. Even if it was the other way around it was normal. However, the young woman still insisted that she was different and that she was not like rest when it came to the subject of her liking boys..... "I wish I wasn't alone..." It suddenly occurred to her that if Jacquelyn felt the way she did then there must have out been a reason and it couldn't just be something that she was making up in her head. So if it wasn't a "normal" relationship with a guy then it had to be......No........Fauna looked hard at the girl ad saw how flustered she was and thought about the things she had said......It made sense now......Regardless of how the girl felt she was not alone though, and while the feelings that she felt she had were....different, they were not entirely out of the ordinary. Right? Fauna did not know many people who...Well...Who were...Like that, but she knew that they existed. They had to. There was no way that Jacquelyn was the only one who was...MIGHT, have been interested in...Well...
"Do you mean to say that...If I have this correct in my head then all that you have told me means that...," Fauna was not sure how to put it but then things that have a way of bursting forth have a way of doing so quickly and without much thought. "Do you mean to say, deary that you are more interested in a gender that is very much close to your own?" Fauna looked a bit beside herself but only because she had never been presented with this kind of situation before. If her guess was correct then she was going to have to think hard on this one.
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Post by jacquelynchaput on Aug 7, 2007 20:34:13 GMT -5
Do you mean to say, deary that you are more interested in a gender that is very much close to your own?
Stumbling over words, Professor Hectis got out what exactly Jax found herself tryinig to beat around about. She was the first who had ever asked her about it outright, however, she was the first that Jax didn't outright lie to. She could have, still could, but then she'd have to leave immediately. Though, even now Jax was feeling that her time spent among the professor had been to much. Would she tell? Jax looked at the older woman, and her brilliant blue eyes started to fill with the moisture that Jax worked so hard to push away.
"I....I don....don't mean to...." Jax studdered as the tears left her eyes and fell down her cheeks. Finally, someone knew and it was all a matter of time before the woman before her would jest and call names just like those she knew before in muggle school. Jax was unlike the other girls, and more like this woman's sons that she spoke of than either of them probably had realized and Jax took up the defensive. After talking with Drew, she had been almost sure she could change the way she was. But then there was Snake and her sense of understanding (even if she hadn't told even her the truth, just meeting her and all), and now this professor whom told her she couldn't change who or how she felt attractions towards.
Jax wipped her eyes with her sleaves. "I...I'm....I gotta....go..." she no longer knew how she could stand there and fear for the reaction of this woman. She didn't mean to like those that were more like herself than not. Jax didn't mean to not know what was happening with her. She felt awkward and she couldn't stand that she couldn't change herself. She turned to walk away, tripping over a shoelace she hadn't known was undone. She landed on the ground on all fours, palms and knees down. "Please..." she softly sobbed to her professor, "please....don't tell....."
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Post by fauna on Aug 10, 2007 22:31:28 GMT -5
Without so much as a second thought Fauna went over to the sobbing girl and picked her up gently from the floor. She placed her large arms around the young girl in a comforting hug. A motherly hug that lacked the little pats that strangers gave people. This hug was instinctive and it enveloped all of Jacquelyn. "Sshhh now. It's alright deary," she said in a soothing tone. One that almost resembled the voice she used when trying to get a baby to stop crying. It was sweet and gently, and altogether soft. "There there child. I won't tell. It will be just between you and I if you like." Of course she would like. Besides, Fauna was not one to go running around telling anyone and everyone someone else's secrets. Someone else's woes, fears, troubles. "I don't know you don't mean to deary. No means to like anyone they do, but you know what? Not everyone is judgmental." She let go of the girl and pushed a green strand of hair behind her ear before reaching into the pockets of her robes for a tissue. At first she came up with a red toothbrush, a paperclip, a bluish quill whose tip was broken, and then finally a small packet of tissues. She opened it up and took out a few and handed them to the girl. "Here you go deary," and then on second thought she took out the bluish quill and with a tap of her wand she transfigured it into a rough looking bluish stool. "Why don't you have a set huh? We don't want to upset the suits do we? Lest the come after us with something," she gave her a warm smile and gestured towards the stool.
Fauna was actually a bit nervous about the subject, but she would try her best. What if her own sons decided to like....To like people of the same gender. Then Fauna would have to get used to it of course after she had a few fainting spells. At the moment though she was getting on fine and at the sight of her student's tears she was able to pull herself all the way together and her motherly instincts kicked in before she knew it. Not to mention that if she had not been a mother she still would have acted before she had thought. Fauna placed an arm around Jacquelyn attempting to guide her slowly to the stool. Too bad she couldn't go run to her office and put on a pot of tea for the both of them.
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Post by jacquelynchaput on Aug 11, 2007 15:57:34 GMT -5
Jax hadn't seen the woman coming when she was enveloped into the Professor's arms. The embrace was warm, and different. Not like the hugs she recieved from her father that were greetings of sorts. Maybe it felt different because she usually didn't show her emotions so loosely, or even share such a deep secret that made her crumble so easily. Lightly, Jax found herself accepting the hug and returning it. Professor Hectis wasn't like the other Professor's in this school. Maybe because she seemed like a regular person. Jax didn't know.
Professor Hectis comforted and soothed Jax's tears and eventually the sobbing was more of small gulps for breath with only few tears. Professor Hectis wouldn't tell? Jax hugged her tighter unable to thank her with words. Jax wouldn't know what to do if everyone all at once knew. And if a Professor was the one saying it? Who then would believe her lies that would argue against it?
I don't know you don't mean to deary. No means to like anyone they do, but you know what? Not everyone is judgmental.
Jax wasn't to sure about the next statements that Hectis made. She had only known people to be judgmental of others they didn't understand or were not like them. Wasn't it only natural? Jax had grown up learning so. And as she was now calm in the larger woman's arms, she still sighed as a tear or two gently flowed down the young blond's cheeks. "But...but..." Jax tried to argue, but no words came.
As Hectis pushed her gently away and looked at her, Jax sheepishly looked away to ashamed to look the woman in the eye. A few moments later, the woman searched through her pockets pulling the most random of items out before finally handing Jax a few tissues. Jax only looked at the tissues, slowly taking them from the woman as she softly let out a wee "...thank you..." before wiping her face from the tears her brilliant blue eyes had shed. She didn't know how to feel. Now that this woman knew? What was next? And where would the conversation lead. Jax was tempted to get up and try to leave again when Professor Hectis pulled a stool out of what seemed like no-where to the young Ravenclaw.
Jax at first just looked at the stool a bit bewildered of why the woman would still want to speak with her. Wasn't she disgusted by her? Wasn't Jax an abomination, as some had called her before she had even known? As she said nothing, Jax played with the tissues in her hand and debated what to do. It wasn't until she felt the Professor's arm around her, egging her to proceed to the stool where she finally decided that she would comply. What else could happen?
Slowly, she got up and took a seat. She looked toward Professor Hectis, still unable to smile or even laugh it off like Jax usually would to most things. All she could do was slowly turn her eyes back to the tissues in her hands. All she wanted at that moment, was understanding. Where she saw this woman as a nice person, so far, Jax wasn't sure she would really, truly understand what she was going through. "I was so sure I could change it..." she silently gulped out, not knowing what else to say as she sat on the stool and tore a bit of the tissue.
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Post by fauna on Aug 11, 2007 18:05:52 GMT -5
"Oh deary," she said as she again placed her arms about the girl. It was strange really, how today could begin as any other day and then all of a sudden end up as it was. Fauna felt no need to go back and change anything about it though. She felt that things that needed to be said were finally said. While it caused her to remember some painful things, she felt that it was worth it for Jacquelyn to finally share the source of her pain with someone. "There are many things in this world that we all wish we could go back in change. The thing is deary you need no permission from me or anyone else to be who you are. Just because you are--" she couldn't bring herself to say it yet. "Just because you like the gender of people does not make you less funny, or less smart, or even less beautiful. Okay?" Fauna wanted to drive that point home.
"Your preferences do not make you less of a human being . In that aspect you are quite like the rest of us...I think. Let me check." Fauns stepped back and looked her up and down, voicing things as she did. "Two ears, two eyes accounted for. Five fingers on each hand...and two legs along with two arms....Yep," she said smiling as she moved forward again. "You look like a human being. I heard you speak so I know you sound like a human being. So I guess that only makes one accountable difference between you and the rest of your peers then, deary. The thing is you must be ready and willing to accept yourself as you are before you expect others to do so as well. If you cannot live with yourself liking who you do, or be in a group without feeling separate from everyone else, how can you expect them to do the same? I think that is the first thing you must do before you worry about what others think, because your outward attitude of yourself will only cause others to...Oh what is the word you kids use nowadays? Vibe? It will cause others to pick up on that vibe. You must stop wanting to change who you are and start accepting it. I think that is the very first thing you must do."
She looked the girl up and down and felt her heart reaching out to her. "I may not be experiencing what you are going through specifically, but I see your pain and I just want to take it all away. I just want to put one of these here suits of armor on you to protect you from everything. I may not be your father, or your mother, but I can't stand see to see someone hurting. Especially someone so young." She felt like she would need a tissue her self in a minute or two, but she would keep dry eyes. For Jacquelyn's sake she would keep dry eyes.
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Post by jacquelynchaput on Aug 22, 2007 18:24:27 GMT -5
Jax listened to the woman as she spoke. Her words were as soft and as comforting as ever and Jax wondered if that was what having a mother was like. However, that only made her feel worse to think about and the tears continued to fall. Why couldn't she just be normal and still be all of those things that Professor Hectis was saying she was. She nodded in between her tears as she did to answer Hectis' questions. "I....I....I guess not..." she responded.
Jax then couldn't help but laugh when Professor Hectis stood back to examine the young raven. As she said to herself everything Jax had that any other human had, she could feel her mood lighten a little, not much but a little all the same. She nodded as she looked over the parts that were said and almost took note of what she had that everyone else did. Professor Hectis seemed to be right. Jax did have two ears, two eyes, five fingers on each hand, two legs, two arms and she sounded like a human. Jax agreed that she was human, but what was this all getting to?
The thing is you must be ready and willing to accept yourself as you are before you expect others to do so as well. If you cannot live with yourself liking who you do, or be in a group without feeling separate from everyone else, how can you expect them to do the same?
Jax looked down again. The spines she held within to keep herself from hurting others started to press against her heart again. How could she love herself? Not even her own mother could love her? Had she also known that Jax was different? Jax frowned as she continued to listen to her professor. How was she supposed to change herself to change the vibe she sent out?
"I don't know how to change, Professor," Jax whispered, her voice cracking from her being upset. "How does someone change after being the same for so long?" Jax looked up with her blue eyes to meet them with her Professor's. "And....what happens if I can't?"
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Post by fauna on Aug 24, 2007 21:24:20 GMT -5
Since Jacquelyn was now reduced to whisper Fauna had to listen closely to her next words. "I don't know how to change, Professor. How does someone change after being the same for so long? And....what happens if I can't?"
"Deary, I am not asking you to change. Just to accept the changes that you were not willing--. No, not ready to accept before. By telling me your secret that is already one step towards accepting it. You just need to have more confidence in yourself to fully accept your difference for what it is. Stop trying to hide it and/or ignore and finally accept a part of you that makes you...Well. You," Fauna patted the girl’s shoulder softly. "There is no need to do this all of a sudden. It won't happen in one day, evening, or night. It won't be something that can be done in a day, and this is not to satisfy me. The acceptance part must be done on your own time, and done because it is something that you want to do. You want to do it because you want to finally stop having this secret become a burden to you. If you feel you are not yet ready to make such a commitment, not that you "can't," then that is alright too." Fauna gave her a caring look, not one of pity or of judgment. "What ever you decide to do then make sure that it is something you know you want to do in your heart. Don't try to force anything upon yourself because you felt pressured to do so okay? But if and when you decide that you are ready to take the leap, then know I will be available. I will always be available. Okay, deary?"
((Sorry it's so short.))
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Post by jacquelynchaput on Aug 30, 2007 11:03:07 GMT -5
But if and when you decide that you are ready to take the leap, then know I will be available. I will always be available. Okay, deary?
As Jax listened to her professor it made sense and at the same time, it seemed as if she was doing already just what the professor somewhat described. In small ways she was trying to accept who she was, but at the same time she was trying to change. Was that so wrong? Jax wasn't sure who could feel for her the same as she would someday feel for them, but at the same time, she almost wondered if it mattered. Talking with Professor Hectis she wanted so badly to believe that it was only time that was needed in order to find acceptance of herself and from other people. Jax nodded her had in agreement but said nothing.
The comforting pat on the shoulder made Jax smile between her tear streaked cheeks and what furthered her comfort was the womans words of always being available. Was she telling the truth? She wouldn't leave? "Always?" Jax asked, not sure still if she took comfort in the promise or if she mistrusted it. Why would this woman be there for her when even her mother could not? Was her mother that ashamed of her daughter...had she known even way back then? Jax relaxed her body and thought. If one person....an adult accepted her, then would eventually others do the same?
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Post by fauna on Sept 11, 2007 18:49:14 GMT -5
A smile. Fauna that that this was leaps and bounds from where she had been only moments before. Some dark place where the light was hidden and was hard to find again. But found it was, and now she was smiling. Fauna smiled back at the girl, glad that she had finally said something worth saying. That she would be available always. So the poor dear does think she is a lone. "Yes, deary. Always. Whenever you need me there is office, which reminds me that my grass needs to be cut," Fauna looked off in thought. "Ah, but if I am not there then I may be found out by the greenhouse, or just milling about in the unsuspecting way I have." Fauna smiled again and patted Jacquelyn again. She looked around at the suits of armor and saw one of them wave to her and quickly jerk the other way. Another saluted the one it was standing next to, while a third decided it was time to leave the sanctuary of the armor gallery and find other areas to roam. Silly little things they were. Walking around with no real purpose in the castle but to scare the younger children and to become nothing but a nuisance to the older ones. Yet there was something so appealing about them that at times one was often curious as to what lay beneath the silver shell.
They led care free lives, and did not have to worry about shame; humility; life; or death. Silly little things. "Okay deary. Let us get you out into the fresh air. Mingle with the crowd. Do the umm. The hokey pokey," and with that Fauna swung her hips around. "No more sadness. No more crying. Let's only think of the leaps and bounds that you are sure to make. That I am sure to make. That we are all sure to make. For we all have our troubles deary," she smiled.
((Way late, forgive me))
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Post by jacquelynchaput on Sept 14, 2007 11:25:19 GMT -5
Listening to where Professor Hectis would be, Jax smiled brightly. Someone knew, and would speak with her about it any time. Not only that, but now some of the hurt from within her was subsiding a bit. Not all the way, no. Jax figured that it would most likely be there with her, but at least now she had someone to talk about her issue with.
As Hectis talked about doing the Hokey Pokey and getting out of the armory Jax laughed and nodded. "Yes, I agree...fresh air would be good. Do you fly on a broom? We could go out or something and race..." Jax kept rambling and eventually ended in a fit of giggles again, wiping the stray tears from her face to make it look as if nothing ever happened. She still kept a lot within herself, but not as much and the thought of flying always made Jax feel better. Standing up, she gave the Professor a hug and squeezed her gently. She was so glad to have someone who knew....who wouldn't tell......who would keep it safe forever if need be.
Was she the only one? Not anymore.
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Post by fauna on Sept 16, 2007 15:06:35 GMT -5
"Yes, I agree...fresh air would be good. Do you fly on a broom? We could go out or something and race..."
At this Fauna couldn't stop a gleeful expression from overcoming the wide smile on her face. She laughed loudly, startling one of the suits of armor, it sidled away from her. "Why let me think... I have not ridden a broom in quite some time, and I don't think I have ever raced on one either. But that could be my memory playing tricks on me. It would be lovely to go out and ride a round for a bit." Fauna started to envision herself racing on a broom some feet above the ground. What a spectacle that would be if anyone saw her. "I could always use one of the school brooms, though you mustn't laugh if I don't get the hang of it right away." Fauna smiled and then placed a large arm around Jacquelyn's thin frame.... Or at least thing when compared to the hammy shape of Fauna's body.
"Let us go and enjoy the day," she said leading Jacquelyn out of the armory. The stool was completely forgotten by her, but the words they had spoken had not.
((Ugh! Short and bad. I am now having a hard time finding my muse for the thread.))
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