A Million Thoughts..

[Esmerelda Mizart]

January 16 6:00 am, Entrance Hall.

Es rushed into the Entrance Hall, attempting to suck in deep, filling breaths, but only ended up with shallow ones that never quite filled her lungs. It had been at least a day, maybe two since the take over had begun, excuse me, invasion. The Deva had invaded their stuff, their school, and their lives. She felt dirty in the same clothes she's worn yesterday, or was it the day before? She didn't know. She felt like they'd been stuck in some horrible time warp that they'd never get out of. Days on end, they'd been stuck in the Great Hall, wasting time away. Some just sat and cried, others tried to make up plans that they'd never be able to attempt, and she just tried to work on her breathing and not thinking.

Because if she thought about what was going, and how she was alone, and if she died that no one would care about her or not, well it was hard to keep from hyperventilating. Which was what she was doing now. What was that sound? That horrible, loud, gasping sound? It took her a moment to realize that the sound was her. It was a harsh sound that echoed off of the tall walls of the once great Hogwarts. It was still great. It could still be great. They just needed the right people running it, and that was not the Deva. She sucked in something that could be called a deep breath and let it out in a quick whoosh. The second was longer, more drawn out, and she could feel her racing heart slowing down. Her head was still pounding, however, that didn't keep the horrible thoughts that surrounded her.

She was a tramp. No one loved her. She didn't deserved to be loved anyways. No one but a skank would kiss someone else when they had a loving boyfriend. Of course, she'd always liked Dean, he was a new thing for her after being so hard to open up for so long. But Brandon was a new thing too. They connected immedietly and she'd open like a book for him. It was so weird how for so darn long she'd kept inside herself like a turtle in it's shell, waiting for Landon to come back from the dead or something. His corpse was probably long disintegrated by now. The thought of his body in that coffin made her start wheezing and gasping again. Oh Lord, she would never get out of this.

Perhaps Hogwarts would get out of this, perhaps they wouldn't. But whether they did or not, or whether she lived or died, she would always be stuck in her mind. Brandon knew what she was, a whore, and that's what she felt like. Dean didn't want her anymore, after all the crap they'd been through. Landon was gone, and her mother didn't claim her. Not that Es wanted her to claim her.... Okay, she really did. But she wanted her Mum, not her Mother. Her Mother was a lady who was married to a French guy with two daughters. Her Mother was someone who might send a card on her birthday, if she remembered. Her Mother was someone she didn't know anymore.

It took Es a moment to realize she was kneeling, one hand on the floor, and another upon her chest. Her head and chest felt like it was going to explode. Perhaps that would make it feel better then they had felt in the last couple of days. Tears blurred her ice blue eyes and the sound of her harsh gasping for breath covered up the footsteps that walked towards her. She was so alone... Or so she thought...


[Need I say more? Open.]

[Brandon Blaze]

"If you're going to have a heart attack, I would advise you to do it a little more quietly," drawled a voice emerging from the dungeons shortly after Es had burst into the Entrance Hall. On his way up to the library, Brandon had to walk this way for there was no other exit he knew of. It was a pity that he had to run into the one person he despised most and wanted to see least. Brandon didn't care how harsh he was to Esmerelda, not right now. Way deep down though, the words he spoke stung him just as much as they'd sting her, but the Slytherin was in no position to admit that. Es had betrayed him, crushed him, broken his heart. And being mean was his way of trying to put his heart back together.

[mind if i jump in? xD]

[Esmerelda Mizart]

[Oh thanks, after 5 paragraphs, that was all you could write? lol.]

Es let out a gasp as she heard the one voice she wanted to hear so badly, and yet never wanted to hear again. She was stuck in a horrible position, she could barely breathe and now she was faced with having to deal with the one person she just couldn't deal with right now. She breathed in deeply and used the hand that was on her chest to wipe away her silent tears that seemed to have a mind of their own. She then brushed her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear, and slowly stood up, letting out random gasps of air that she was searching for.

"I think you've torn my heart up a bit much for me to be affected by some little heart attack."

She paused, glaring at him as she straighted her dirty robes out.

"Besides, if I wanted to have a heart attack, I can have one as loud as I want, I don't need your bloody permission.."

She replied harshly. Oh, she didn't want to do this to Brandon. He didn't deserve it. And yet, he did. When she had left Dean standing there, wishing she had stayed with him, Es had run after Brandon. But he wouldn't let her talk to him at all. He just walked away from her, with her jogging beside him, begging to let her explain. However, Brandon had left her standing there, his feelings for her clear. He hated her.. and he thought she was a tramp. That, in itself, made her want to cry until she couldn't cry anymore. She couldn't stand to think he thought of her that way. And she couldn't stand the way he looked at her so...scornfully. It was the Brandon she had met on the train, only one hundred times worse. One hundred times worse because this Brandon knew her, and he had a reason to be hateful. She tried to quiet her breathing, although it was hard.

She was in the middle of the first panic attack she had allowed herself to have. It was in the middle of being full blown when he had interuppted, and she hadn't planned on stopping. She needed to panic so she could think straight, or perhaps dig deeper into the black hole of her guilt and pain.

Was he going to leave her alone, or was he going to continue torturing her?

[Brandon Blaze]

[sorry, I wanted in on this before anyone else so I didn't write a big long post xD]

A harsh, bitter laugh was barked out at her comment. So she though her heart was all torn up? She had another thing coming. It was Brandon who'd been hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back. No, Brandon's heart was all torn up. Es was just throwing herself a pity party because she'd been caught.
"Right," Brandon snapped, taking a few menacing steps closer, "So you, cheat on me, and it's your heart that's all torn up. That makes perfect sense." His word were just dripping with sarcasm.

It was almost incredible, the things coming out of Esmerelda's mouth. She truly believed he was the bad guy here. Yeah, he'd walked away from her and that jerk but that was only because he would have torn his bloody head off if he'd stayed and tried to talk. Brandon was furious, livid about the entire situation and he was still the bad guy. He found this extremely unfair.

"You know," Brandon started, feeling his voice get caught in his throat as he spoke again. He took a moment to clear his throat and compose before he continued.
"I just wanna know why," he spat angrily, "I don't want an apology and I don't want some made up excuse. I just want to know what was going through your head when you thought it was alright to kiss him."

[Esmerelda Mizart]

She sneered at him, standing her ground even when he took a few steps closer to her. All she wanted to do was to either run into his arms and hold him so tight that he could never let go, or run away and cry herself to sleep like so many nights before. But no, this was one fight that she would not back down in. Es narrowed her eyes at him, trying to block out any sadness she was feeling and channeling it all to anger. She hated this feeling. She hated hating him. It was so hard, and yet, so easy. Why? She did not know. But she hated the feeling it produced in the core of her stomach, telling her that if she didn't stop, her life would be one ball of anger. Perhaps that was better though. It was definitely a step up from the pathetic drawn out life she had before.

"Thanks for letting me explain-"

A pause as she breathed in as if remembering something extremely important.

"-Oh excuse me, I always forget, you understand everything.."

Oh yeah, Es could be cruel when she wanted to be. However, she didn't want to be. Just standing here, glaring at him took all the energy out of her. And she was tired of playing this game. And she was tired of having to hate the only guy other than Landon and her Father that she ever truly loved. Sure, she had deeply rooted feelings for Dean, but nothing could compare to what Es and Brandon had. Had..being the opperative word. It was unfair to Brandon. He didn't do anything. He had every right in the world to be furious with her and never speak to her again. But she couldn't do it... she couldn't stand there and take the crapt he was dishing out. And so she returned the favor and they continued on with their lives, broken and bruised, wanting to go back. However, you can't.

Tears formed in her eyes as she listened to his question, staring him down. She glanced away, up at the glorious ceiling, the first time she had looked away from him the whole time he had been there. She wasn't giving up. Es wasn't doing it cause she couldn't stand looking at him, [though in reality, she was putting on an act and was not as strong and angry and she portrayed herself. The truth was, her anger for him was the anger that was reserved for herself. She knew what she'd done was wrong and she was furious at herself for it. However, with Brandon being mad at her, the anger became directed at him.] She was actually thinking, trying to breathe as she went back to that wonderfully painful night. Her eyes returned to him.

"Nothing."

She replied softly, connecting eyes with him.

"You wanna know the truth? I wasn't thinking at all. I was remembering a time before you, when it was just Dean and I and we were just friends. He was the first one to make a tiny crack in my defensive wall in over seven years. I guess I just wanted to see what it was like..."

It hurt him, she knew. There were still many things she hadn't told him because she knew how deeply they would cut him. But he wanted the truth, and she wasn't one to lie. That wasn't her. Es let a tear fall from her eye and just shook her head slightly. At him, at herself, at Dean, at the world. Things changed. The past didn't.

[Brandon Blaze]

Anger and rage was channeling through Brandon as Es turned and stared him down. What did she think she was doing? Was she getting angry at him? For what? She had absolutely no right at all to get mad at him when it was her fault that Brandon was so furious in the first place. He suddenly understood what Theo meant when the anger got too much to control. Brandon was slowly reaching that point when deep down, he really didn't want to. He wanted to just rewind, go back to before all this happened and just let it slide instead of making a big deal of it. He wished he hadn't been hiding in the shadows. It would have been better if he hadn't known at all. Perhaps Es would have come and told him anyways and Brandon would have been able to deal with it a lot better that way. But now they were stuck. Brandon was furious and he knew how to hold a grudge. As much as he wanted to, he didn't know if he'd be able to forgive Es, the one person he'd actually ever cared about besides his brother.

He was about to lose her.

Brandon listened to Es talk, telling him her side of the story. It wasn't enough. It didn't explain why she thought it was OK for her to kiss another guy while she was with Brandon and "I wasn't thinking" wasn't really a good enough answer. He wanted to know more, but knew he'd never get it out of her. Es was stubborn that way...

No, Brandon scolded himself, Don't start with that.

The Slytherin boy's hands shoved into his pockets as she spoke, his eyes turned down to the ground. He felt something on his cheek. It was warm and wet and Brandon couldn't believe it. Was it...a tear?! No, Brandon wasn't going to let himself cry, not for this. He'd never cried before and wasn't planning on starting now. Quickly, he wiped it away and looked up to Es, his face expressionless as he watched her for a moment. He saw a tear fall down her cheek and wanted very much to reach over and brush it away. But he couldn't. He loved her but he was too angry to even look at her. It made him nauseous.
"Es, I--" but he stopped, his voice getting caught again. Brandon could feel his eyes glistening and blinked a few times, pushing it back. He took a couple more steps toward the girl, unsure of what he would do when he got closer but spoke again.

"Es, do you want to be with Dean?" he asked, speaking not a sound above a whisper.

[Esmerelda Mizart]

Es herself had thought of that, many times. What would have happened if Brandon hadn't caught them? Would she have told him? She was positive she would. But then again, what if she got scared and decided to act like nothing happened? Either way, there was no going back. Brandon had caught them and this was the way it was playing out. Stuck was right. They were furious at eachother, though she had no real reason to be, other than furious at herself, and they kept distancing themselves from eachother. He was someone she had told everything. Absolutely everything. Would he use that against her? Would he be cruel enough to do that? Or, what if she was cruel enough to do that? Would she use his family's weakness against him? It would hurt her almost as much as hurting him but she didn't know if she wouldn't or not. And that very thought hurt her so much that she had to inconspicuously take a deep breath in so she wouldn't hyperventilate again.

She stared at him hurt, anger, but mostly sadness in her eyes. She watched a tear slip from his eye and shock hit her. She'd never seen Brandon cry before, he was too strong for that. Es bit down on her lip to keep from crying and she'd bit down so much that she could taste blood. The taste of copper was unfamilar and not all that pleasant. She winced as he began to talk again and moved closer to her. What was he going to do, hit her? Turn his wand on her? Her mind was so fuzzied up that she had forgotten he probably lost his wand to the Deva. She put her hand up as if almost to try and stop him but the action turned into her tucking her black hair behind her ear. She wouldn't move, a pride and strength thing. She also wouldn't admit that she was scared, scared of what was going to happen. His question suprised her and she bit down on the already bleeding wound.

"No.."

She whispered. And then it hit her. If she didn't even have to think about it, why was she doing this to herself? Why was she tearing herself up for two guys? She'd always love Dean, he was one of her best friends, but Brandon was the one she wanted. Es took a step closer, they were only two steps away from eachother now. Why'd she step closer? She didn't know? Would he reject her? Would he smite her down? Only time would tell.

[Brandon Blaze]

Brandon looked down at Es, trying to decide whether or not he was more drawn to her, or more repulsed. The thought of her kissing Dean flashed across his eyes and he was suddenly furious again. He would have smacked her had he not been raised better than that. But in his heart, Brandon knew that all he wanted was for Es to not hurt anymore and he wasn't prepared to inflict more pain on her.

He noticed she'd stepped closer too and Brandon looked at her curiously. Her hand reached up and for a second, Brandon almost reached out for it. Es tucked her hair behind her ear and without thinking, Brandon's hand followed and tucked it back again. He moved even closer to the girl as he spoke softly.
"You hurt me Es," he said to her, his hand finding her cheek, "You hurt me so much. I wanted to hurt you back because of it. You are the most guarded, most stubborn person I've ever met and you never really let me in. But I'm exactly the same way...and despite everything, you're still perfect for me. And I hope I can still be perfect for you. I spent too long being angry at you when I should have just forgotten about it. I still love you, Es."

[Esmerelda Mizart]

Es stared at him, hope, fear, and terror in her eyes. She was hopeful the at he wouldn't hate her, even that, in his heart, maybe he could still love her. She was afraid that he would hurt her, though a part of her knew he could never do that, even in disgust. And there was terror in her eyes because she was afraid he would truly reject her and during the rest of her 7th year, they would try and hurt eachother. Es didn't know if her heart could take it. She'd already lost someone who meant the world to her once, if she lost Brandon for good, she thought it might be possible for her to survive. But if they continued to try to hurt eachother, then she might as well just kill herself right now, because she wouldn't be able to take it.

She, personally, had no idea why she had stepped closer. It's was like there was a magnet between the two of them. But also, like magnets, they wanted to repell away from eachother, his in disgust for her, and Es, for disgust of herself. She didn't want to let him touch her because she felt like she didn't deserve it, that she would never deserve it. Because she was a whore. A whore that went around kissing other guys when she had a wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. She felt a shock go through her because it felt so good to have him touch her again, even a little bit, but she thought he'd never do it ever again.

He moved closer to her and she stood frozen like a statue, afraid to move, and afraid to breath. She knew he was about to say something because she had studied his faces, and she waited on bated breath to see what he was about to say. Es closed her eyes as he told her she had hurt him and he touched her cheek, so softly that she shivered. I know... She thought, wishing it had never happened. She opened her blue eyes as he told her she was stubborn and she felt like she wanted to laugh, a suprising feeling. She couldn't breathe, this was too good to be true. She didn't deserve this and yet, it was happening. So many wonderful things he was giving her and now he was giving her this, too. Es felt her eyes swell with tears and start streaming down her face.

"I love you too.."

She replied in a whispered sobb.

"I don't deserve you.."

Es told him shamefully, dropping her wet eyes to the floor..

[Brandon Blaze]

"Stop that," Brandon whispered softly when Es looked down at the floor and mumbled something about not deserving him. If anything, Brandon didn't deserve her. His thumb reached over and wiped away the tears that had started to stream down her cheeks. Brandon really hated it when she cried, especially when it was over him.
"You're a beautiful, incredible girl, Es," Brandon continued in the same soft tone, "And you made a mistake. Everyone does. I know I've certainly made some big mistakes but you forget about it an move on. It doesn't matter anymore, Es. I forgive you." He hoped that would at least stop her crying for now. He couldn't take much more of it.

Touching her chin lightly, Brandon tilted her head back up so their eyes could meet. For a moment, all Brandon did was look at her. He could see the immense pain in her eyes; not just from this but from everything else the poor girl had gone through. Even though she told him to not fee sorry for her, Brandon couldn't help it. He felt terrible. Leaning down, Brandon pressed his lips softly against Esmerelda's and his entire body tingled. He'd missed that touch.

[Esmerelda Mizart]

But she couldn't help it, everything was so overwhelming, the fact that he didn't hate her, but actually loved her and wanted her back made her cry harder. She felt like she didn't deserve him but she felt like she could die and be happy. Well, not really. Es wouldn't want to die at the moment cause that would kind of defeat the purpose of their get together. She buried her face into his shoulder and tried to control her sobs as he told her that she was incredible. Well, she didn't feel it. Why did he forgive her? Why did he love her? She certainly wasn't worthy of anything he had to offer and yet, he was giving himself to her.

She brought her head up, sure that her face was a mess of blotchiness and salty tears, but she didn't care; He was smiling at her, and that smile glowed with all that he had. He tilted her chin up so their eyes met and she could feel herself go weak at the knees. Es smiled, amazed thoughts whirling through her head. She saw him lean down to kiss her and it was just like a movie. Time seemed to slow down and the seconds went on forever. Her lips seemed to reach up for his and as they connected, the air seemed to spark with heat. Her arms wrapped around him tighter, never wanting to let go.

[Brandon Blaze]

Brandon felt her arms wrap around him and he'd never felt better than he did right in that moment. Even the last remnants of his aching limbs from the tussles with Theo seemed to drain away while their lips touched and Es was wrapped around him. Brandon's hand moved from her chin to her cheek to her neck, pulling her closer to him and deepening their kiss. Brandon had almost forgotten what her lips tasted like but it was great to have it back.

Pulling away finally, Brandon panted a little, trying to catch his breath. He rested his forehead against hers, keeping their eyes lock on one another.
"Are you OK now?" he whispered softly.

[Esmerelda Mizart]

He tasted sweet, like he always did, with a bit of a kick to it. And that was exactly how he was. Suprisingly, all thoughts of kissing Dean and wanting to be with him melted away in the arms of Brandon. Though she knew that when she wasn't in his arms, the desire to be with Den would be there again. She hated that feeling and loved it at the same time. She loved it because Dean was who she had wanted first. She hated it because she was with Dean now, that would change, hopefully. They were practically sucking eachother's faces off by the time they finally pulled away and she bit her bottom lip, grinning.

Es laughed at his question, giving him a peck on the lips.

"What do you think?"

She asked, staring into his eyes.