Only Ashes (Closed/Luce)

[Rollo Winner]

Rollo was a wreck to say the least. It was early morning now on Sunday and he had spent the past night disapparting from place to place all over the world. It was stupid on his part to do such a thing Rollo knew but he was drunk so he did it regardless. It was a state of recklessness that could have only been obtained by hour upon hour of heavy drinking and chain smoking. He was here though feeling wrecked and worn out with his usual laundry list of reasons for doing so. It was at the point where he was quite beyond managing a thought about them that actually made sense. There was no slurring of words or stumbling though as per usual Rollo exhibited no signs of a sloppy drunk, per usual Rollo Winner just looked a miserable person as he made his way to the swing set. After all it was locations such as these that he had been apparating to since twelve o`clock that night.

It had been by all intents and purposes a normal day. Since the early morning Rollo had been drinking steadily in the Leaky Cauldron. Around eleven though for some reason he didn't feel like staying and after another hour of shots and cigarettes he had made his way out to the street and disapparated to a town called Corona in California that he had visited with his father as a boy. He remembered the park and the swings where had displayed his first sign of magic. How he had flown from the swing as he leapt from its seat. It had forged a connection between him and the playground toys for life. At the time it had been a happy one but after what his father had forced on him he had only resorted to sitting on the things in times such as these. Times when it was ten o`clock in the morning and most of the muggles were in church and he hadn't slept at all. Times when he started questioning why exactly he bothered with his life at times? Why he continued to go to that job that he hated so much? He had a plan though and now possibly a reason to keep going on with his mundane life.

Sitting on the swing a bit recklessly Rollo fumbled with the pack of cigarettes in his pocket. Finally pulling out the pack he pulled the last Lucky Strike from the pack with his teeth and lit it inhaling deeply. He would go home after this cigarette but until then he would just sit on this swing and think. He would hash out his life for a few moments and think about everything that had happened lately and maybe swing then. The wing had rushed through his hair in Corona earlier and now he needed it again. He would do it after this cigarette though his last cigarette for the day. At least he hoped it would be and that when he returned home the ivory keys on his piano would welcome him.

[Luce Beauvais]

[ sorry it took so long. homework / lack of a way to write myself into this was the reason. ]

Usually Luce would keep to herself in the streets of London. She wasn't the kind of person that liked to travel, she wasn't the kind of person that was overly outgoing, and met a new person every three point seven seconds. Luce just liked to think that she was normal. As much as she loved her friends, she loved her alone time, and prioritized it. But when she found out her parents were going over the America, for a trip, well, she just couldn't say no when they basically begged her to come.

"Mum, I'm just going to get some milk from the shop down the road." Luce called out to her mother, who was in the bathroom getting ready. As Luce pocketed her money, house keys and mobile phone, she wandered out the door and down the many flights of stairs that sat between her and the street. They were up on the sixth floor, the top floor. Luce's parents knew someone who they were swapping houses with for two weeks, while they visited England.

Pushing the door open, Luce smiled at the breath of fresh air that she received instantly. As she walked down the footpath, towards the set of shops, Luce looked over to the park, and to the man on the swingset. She shook her head, knowing that the man was obviously drunk, and smoking, before she continued to take steps. Stopping dead in her tracks, Luce looked around to the man. She knew his face, he was familiar to her. It was Rollo.

"Are you kidding me?" She spoke to herself, before running across the road, towards the man. "Rollo? What the... what are you doing here?" She spoke, trying not to get angry, though trying to hide her obvious humiliation. But the man was so drunk, he probably didn't care.

[Rollo Winner]

Rollo Winner was in a state of misery at the moment that he most likely could not be pulled out of. During his younger years it was a possibility as usually a few quick drawings, brush strokes, or notes from the piano would calm him. They would make it possible for him to get through the day with little difficulty. Now though after the a few years in the Ministry and the scars that adorned his body such simple remedies were not possible. It was something he was beginning to miss in all honesty and only days of painting could now pull him from such slumps as the one he was in now. There was one exception of course to all the above but at this current time and place Rollo found it quite impossible. What would she think of him if she saw him now? Rollo dreaded the mere thought of this possibility and was quite confident that his random disapparting had not landed him anywhere in the vicinity of one Luce Beauvais. That was impossible wasn't it? Sure it would be a relief to see her here but the thought of what she would think of him still loomed heavily in Rollo's mind.

It loomed so heavily that Rollo began to hear her voice and what exactly it would say and sound like. At least he thought he was imagining this until in fact the voice became clearer filling Rollo with dread. Out of all the places he had to disapparate it was to the one where she managed to stumble upon him some how at least he thought it was Luce. Maybe he was just imagining things after all that was a possibility wasn't it? He was just so drunk and far gone that at this very moment he was imagining her voice at that moment, right? Rollo knew it was impossible though as he saw her now and he could do nothing more then stare as the cigarette slipped from his fingers. The sound of disappointment in her voice was obvious and one that he had been dreading since he met the girl but had known it would come. She was far too good for him to begin with and the fact that she had put up with him this long was a miracle with in itself.

Rollo felt the tears begin to roll down his cheeks as he didn't know what to say or for that matter do. It wasn't as if he could simply wave his wand and it would all get better. Magic was crappy, at least in Rollo's opinion, because it couldn't fix the important things. The kinds of things that Rollo wanted to use it for and fix he couldn't and this was just another one of those things. She tried not to let it show but he could tell by her eyes that she was ashamed of him and it seemed at the moment that nothing could hurt Rollo more in the world. With that thought in mind the tears continued to flow and he felt he could do nothing but stare at the ground. For the first time in a long time Rollo Winner felt like a child again on the swings but much to his disdain it was not as pleasurable as he had hoped it would be.

"I'm um you know doing the whole self loathing thing I suppose. Get drunk remember how much I hate myself and all that fun stuff."

Rollo felt helpless though on the swing and couldn't bear to look up at Luce. It would be far too painful to do so again after already seeing the hurt in her eyes once. This whole situation seemed to spell the end for Rollo and he could do nothing but sit silently and feel paralyzed.

[Luce Beauvais]

Luce Beauvais had never been one to withstand heavy situations. She was born a runner, and still to this day, she always tries to outrun her problems. Luce never liked conflict, it was quite obviously pointed out by her good nature, and she hated being angry. She was just born, well, for lack of a better word, nice. Luce had never known how to react to situations, and it may have been that she was too embarrassed that she would make a fool of herself that she didn't try anything.

But this time, Luce wasn't really sure what it was that took her to the place where there was sure to be conflict. She should have just passed him by, and thrown his number away, she shouldn't have let him ruin her day. She didn't want to seem selfish, since it was pretty obvious that he was down int he dumps, but it was only because she cared about him so much that it would affect her badly. Luce was scared about what he was going to say to her, she was scared that he wasn't going to be okay.

Luce personally wasn't too sure what she thought to alcoholics. She had always told herself that she would never get to the point where she would be involved with one, she always cut off contact with them as soon as she found out about their habits. But it was the same with smokers. Luce always told herself that she would never fraternise with smoker, but then Rollo came along, and there was something about him, a wit, a charm, that made her change her mind, just this once.

As she breathed in and out, her chest pounding heavily, she tried to listen to the boys words without crying. It broke her heart to hear him say what he did, it made her angry to think that she hadn't picked up on anything.

Running her hands through her hair, she tried to say something. But there were no words to come out, her voicebox and her brain seemed to have stopped, along with time and space.

[Rollo Winner]

Rollo Winner was accustomed to and usually enjoyed any type of prolonged silence. It was what made the comfort of his home so appealing after a night at The Cauldron. There he could simply lay after hours of drinking and hear nothing but possibly the static from the TV or his cat clawing the floorboards. Those kinds of things were only small blips though on his radar and didn't bother him what so ever. If anything those small interruptions were fine as they reminded him that he was still here and still alive that his soul in it's fight to leave this world hadn't succeeded. Silence was comforting in most cases to Rollo but now on the swing set it did very little for him. The silence tortured him and with each passing second the fact that all he could hear was his own dry sobs drove him further into despair. Why wouldn't she say anything, he needed something in her usual tone, to replace that disappointed voice that he had heard moments before. Rollo would give anything in the world to never hear it again.

The silence dragged on though as Rollo sat on the swing and it continued to eat at him. All he could do was imagine what was running through Luce's mind. She had to be angry who wouldn't be but he needed her right now. It wasn't in his plans to have her see him like this or for that matter know this side of him at all but now it was out on the table. Because it was out on the table Rollo needed her to understand it or at least know what she thought of him in this condition. He hadn't expect her to wrap her arms around him and comfort him or anything of that sort but Rollo was hoping for some understanding even if it was just a little. He expected disappointment but not as much as was laced in her voice and in her eyes. Rollo still could not bear to look up and stared at the wood chips underneath the swing wishing hoping he could find some corner with in himself to escape but at the moment he found nothing. It was only him and her and she wasn't budging with her silence.

It took Rollo a few moments to collect the words but none the less he found them. He found no courage though to look up and no will to attempt to. It felt so much easier to not see her disappointed face as Rollo choked words through sobs and hoped that they came out right.

"Just say something please. Anything. Tell me it's okay or you don't want to see me or that I'm a terrible person whatever it is just say it. I don't care how blunt or brash it is just as long as it's the truth. As long as you just say something this silence is killing me."

The words trailed off into a whisper and now Rollo didn't know what else to do or say besides slowly rock back and forth in the swing. The words weren't perfect and were crude but they got his point across which was all Rollo cared about. All that he wanted at the moment was to hear her voice. Was that really so much to ask from her?

[Luce Beauvais]

One of her hands hanging limply over her leg, the other impatiently twirling one of her many curls around the tips of her fingers, Luce felt the urge to rest them over her face. This had to be a dream, there was no possible way that this boy, who seemed so sweet, so devoted to Luce, could be in a state like this regularly. Although her mind hoped that this was a one of thing, she knew that it wasn't, she knew that this boy had a problem. Luce honestly didn't know what to do.

She couldn't just walk out on the boy, even if he had lied to her. She thought that this boy was different, different to all those guys that she had involved herself with. But he wasn't. He was the same drunk, smoking, lying man that they all were. Somehow Luce always deluded herself into thinking that they would change for her, but they never did. They just moved on, leaving her heartbroken and upset, with no one to comfort her and make her feel better.

Shaking her head to what the boy said, she forced a smile. It was fairly obvious that it was a half-hearted attempt, but she hoped that the boy, in his state of mind and everything, that he wouldn't play on it too much. He wasn't looking at her anyway, something that really wasn't helping the situation that he was in, but Luce could understand. He was obviously surprised by seeing her, as was she, considering that this was her first time overseas, and he just happened to be there.

"Rollo. Just... Why?"

[Rollo Winner]

Rollo could find no more words after this and wasn't entirely sure what he would say if she did in fact reply. A feeling was nagging at the back of his mind that by this one random happenstance Luce would never look at him the same. That she probably wouldn't talk to him and avoid him at all costs was quite a possibility also. Rollo couldn't blame her for any of that though as just like everything else in his life this instance was his own fault in one way or another. He was coming to realize that as of late that while his father caused most of his misfortunes to befall him he at the end of the day contributed in one way or another. Not deliberately but he contributed none the less. Just as he had done now with his random disapparting which would most likely lead to Luce shunning him for the rest of his life. Rollo felt that he could say there were worse things but he knew in fact at this point in his life their weren't and with this final swift blow he had hit rock bottom. Which was in Rollo's situation saying quite a bit.

Rollo probably would have been able to deal with this some how by now if she had just said something already. Time seemed to drag each second excruciatingly painful and all he could think of still was the disappointed tone. There was no expectation of forgiveness or understanding just a need for something to fill the evident silence that seemed to loom around the playground. Not for the first time in his life Rollo felt out of place as if he shouldn't be here. She belonged along with the swing set, the wood chips, and slide but not him. Rollo was a transplanted oddity on the scene and he was feeling it more and more by the moment. The urge for a cigarette was subdued by this fact and for the fact that he knew it wouldn't help him at all in this situation. There was no possible crutch for what he was dealing with at the moment and it left Rollo floundering for something on which he could hold himself up. As his hands grew numb from the cold metal of the chains holding the swing a loft Rollo wasn't to sure on what to do or say but then Luce finally spoke.

Her words seemed to hang in the air and as Rollo continued to stare at the ground his shame grew. The tears had stopped but only because no more could flow from his eyes and there was nothing left by the dry sobs exiting his mouth. He was like a drunk house elf who had just be relieved of their position and at that moment he was acting like one. Looking up for the first time his eyes met hers and he saw her half hearted smile. The words had not been ones that he had wanted to hear exactly as he didn't expect to be explaining himself this soon but none the less she deserved an answer. She deserved much more then that but Rollo would do his best to give her what she had requested at that moment.

"Because Luce I'm a terrible person. I'm not fit to be alive I mean look at me for christ sakes. All I do is stumble through life guided by the overbearing hand that is my bloody father compensating for it all by finding one crutch after another. I started smoking to get rid of the headaches that came with work then I started drinking to forget the scars and then I started drinking even more so that I couldn't feel them in the shower in the morning. I mean christ Luce look at me seriously look at me. Do you think it was on my list of things to do to look like a mangled stop sign? So I do what I can with what I have to help me forget. For christ sakes for some odd reason I haven't slept in a bed for five years and I don't know why. I'd kill to for just one bloody second to see at least some form of odd metaphorical meaning in it all but I can't. So I sleep on my piano bench and hope for the best. I wasn't always this way but it's the way I am now and I swear Luce I've been trying to step out of this because I never wanted for you to see me like this but you aren't always there. I'm not perfect, I never have been, and I've been trying to change and you've helped but this isn't an immediate thing it's more of a gradual painful bloody process that involves a lot of hot showers in the morning to steam the toxins out."

It was an odd way to end what he was saying but Rollo didn't know on what other note to end it. He doubted that she'd understand it all and he wouldn't hold it against her if she didn't. Hell Rollo had just said more right then and there then he usually did in a whole conversation. He had said it though and while it felt awkward and wrong to bear his soul if only for that brief instant he had done it. Looking back down Rollo couldn't help but wonder what kind of hole he had dug himself into now and hoped for the best.

[Luce Beauvais]

Having listened to the boys speech, Luce was angry. How could he have turned this around onto her, like he had? Did he think nothing of this incident. Yeah, so there was a lot of people in this world that drank and smoked, and for a lot of different reasons. But Luce couldn't accept any of his excuses, which were just what they were. That's what addicts did; they made up for their habits with excuses.

Sure, Rollo had been through his fair share hard times for a lifetime, but there were other ways to compensate for the problems. Counseling, some people even turned to food, but smoking and drinking were something else. Luce had been through her problems, which were small compared to what Rollo made his out to be (she couldn't have been sure, he was always kept those things to himself, all she could go off was what he was saying now), but she never resorted to drowning her problems, and to be perfectly honest, Luce didn't have time for anyone that did.

She was angry for a number of reasons; the fact that he had turned this around onto her, he had lied to her, and he had ruined both her holiday and her total perception of all men. As the boy made eye contact with her, she looked away, she couldn't bare to look at someone that had just broken her heart. Although she was angry with Rollo, she wanted to help him, she wanted to change him, but she knew that she could never be involved with him. That was just taking it too far.

Taking a few steps to the right, Luce sat down on the swing. Her mind was closed, there was nothing that was going to change her view on this incident, as were her eyes. Her head hung limply, pointing down towards the ground were her feet were subconsciously kicking the woodchips. Her cheeks were not yet stained with tears, but she felt that it wouldn't be long before she would get the line down her cheek, through her foundation.

"There are other ways to solve your problems." She said, looking up, her eyes opening, stinging from the light. "So either way, you were going to lie to me? You set out to make me what, happy? But you lied to me. If you had told me, if you had sat me down and told me, I don't know what would have happened, but I can tell you that I wouldn't be nearly as bad as what you've gotten yourself into." She said, her voice small and quiet, actually quite sweet; the opposite to the words that she was saying. Looking over to the boy, to look him deep in the eyes, she tucked her head behind her ear.

"I liked you, Rollo. I really liked you."