Alexander Griffiths
Hogwarts Staff
Professor History of Magic
...Angels guide me, but fate plays with me...[on:Color][of:Black and white]
Posts: 327
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Post by Alexander Griffiths on Jun 8, 2008 20:14:32 GMT -5
Xander caught Annemarie's hand before it even connected to his face, "Are you sure that's what you want?" he asked. His features were changing rather fast, it was like a mask suddenly being pulled off. His eyes became softer, his face became calm and not a trace of anger could be seen. Xander finally took off the mask he had been wearing for so long, not caring anymore. He'd rather be laughed at and critisized than loose her again, he was that weak when it came to her. He was that kind of guy who couldn't even resist longer than he should be, he couldn't even... hide his feelings for her.
"I would, because I want to see you. See you in a way that everyone would be surprised by the change, not to see you as a person they could easily manipulate. Not a person hide in the shadows and try to forget." Xander slowly stood up, still holding Annemarie's hand, "Even if I have to anger you to make it show, then I would. I want to see the Annemarie that I had known back then. The Annemarie that had no care for anyone who would try to manipulate her, to tell her what to do. The Annemarie I protected and loved, I want to see Annemarie Viola Van Aller take control of her life again." he finished, now standing up and looking down at Annemarie.
Slowly, he let go of her hand and took out his wand. He lit his wand, shedding light in the dark. He knew Annemarie would be scared of it, and he wanted to see her face as he spoke to her or as she spoke back to him. "Will I be able to see her again?" he asked, his face gone of all the traces of his past actions. Only care and the old Xander was there, someone Annemarie would surely be able to recognise.
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Post by viola on Jun 8, 2008 20:45:06 GMT -5
Annemarie's hand rushed through the air, but never connected as it was caught in Xander's grasp. The glint of anger that she saw, gone, as Xander tried desperately to free whoever he thought she was from herself. "That's exactly what I want," she cried looking away from him, and yet not pulling away. I want to see you..See you in a way that everyone would be surprised by the change, not to see you as a person they could easily manipulate. Not a person hide in the shadows and try to forget. He didn't understand. It was now she was more independent than ever. People did notice her, but the did so as a superior... not beneath them. Why couldn't she see that this was better for her? Why couldn't he accept that?
She closed her eyes, again not wanting to see him. As he stood up, she could smell the scent that had been so familiar at one time. Without much thought, she took a step forward, her free hand finding its way to his shirt that he wore. Annemarie listened and shook her head slightly, a soft sob escaping through her lips. "Xander..." she whispered, her fingers interlacing with his as he continued to hold onto her hand. Why couldn't he understand? Annemarie liked being who she was... didn't she?
Even if I have to anger you to make it show, then I would. I want to see the Annemarie that I had known back then. The Annemarie that had no care for anyone who would try to manipulate her, to tell her what to do. The Annemarie I protected and loved, I want to see Annemarie Viola Van Aller take control of her life again.
She could feel his eyes on her as she opened her eyes and looked up into his. Standing in the stacks... his wand now lit up, showing her tear streaked face... it almost mirrored their first... Annemarie shook her head. "Xander... I am in control... how can you say that I am not?" she looked back up to him and smoothed out a non-existent wrinkle in his shirt... a nervous habit, and yet she couldn't help herself. "I'm in control of everything..." she whispered as she leaned the side of her face against his chest.
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Alexander Griffiths
Hogwarts Staff
Professor History of Magic
...Angels guide me, but fate plays with me...[on:Color][of:Black and white]
Posts: 327
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Post by Alexander Griffiths on Jun 8, 2008 20:59:57 GMT -5
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked, looking down at Annemarie as she stepped closer to him. He was unsure if she really was sure about it, "I don't really see the Annemarie that's in control right now. Do you really want this?" he said. He saw her lean her head on his chest as her fingers interlaced with his. He could feel her warmth as she was close to him, something he thought would never happen again.
"I would protect you again and again if I have to. I don't even think your enjoying being in control and I know for a fact that most of the residents of this castle don't like you" he said. He was unable to hold her because of his injury, but he was able to stay still and let her lean on him. "You, Annemarie Viola Van Aller, can be stronger than this. I know you can, you proved that you have a heart. You proved that you care, you love and it was the thing that made me love you." he added, smiling at her. "I'm sure your in control, but are you really in control of everyhting?" he asked.
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Post by viola on Jun 8, 2008 21:34:04 GMT -5
At any other moment or in any other mindset, Annemarie would have taken all of Xander's words as manipulations. He was trying to convince her that she was in need of him to protect her from all of those whom didn't like her, even pointing straight out that she was disliked and not as strong as she thought she was. Was she not strong? Was she not able to defend herself without him? The Xander she had once known would never have thrown such things in her face, and yet there he was doing as such. And yet...
"I'm not sure what I want, any more..." Annemarie looked back up at Xander and shook her head. "I still care... I still show that I care... I don't understand where you think I'm lacking control..." she said, slightly pushing away from Xander, still shaking her head. "Xander..." she again whispered, allowing her free hand to trace his jawline. "Are you sure I'm the one that needs protecting this time...?" another tear rolled down her cheek... she couldn't believe that she was as weak as Xander thought she was... not after everything... everything that she'd been through.
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Alexander Griffiths
Hogwarts Staff
Professor History of Magic
...Angels guide me, but fate plays with me...[on:Color][of:Black and white]
Posts: 327
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Post by Alexander Griffiths on Jun 8, 2008 21:56:23 GMT -5
Xander didn't quite know what to do, the questions she asked him almost didn't register in his mind. He just looked at her and stared, confusion written all over his face. He wanted to say something, but nothing came out his mouth. He could only stare at her, what do I do now? he thought. "I...I..." he stuttered, not really knowing what he was to say. He was confused and kind of lost right now. He stared at Annemarie, not knowing what to do and hoping that she say something or do something to clear his confusion.
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Post by viola on Jun 8, 2008 22:05:11 GMT -5
Confusion was plastered all over Xander's face, as if he didn't understand a word she was saying. Was she that confusing, puzzling even for him to understand any more? "You what?" Annemarie said, her tone was defeated as her hand went from his jawline, down gently tracing his neck. "Can you not tell me how I am uncaring? How you think I've turned into some wretched monster?" Annemarie shook her head, her eyes and head now turned down towards his chest. She no longer desired to look into his eyes, as Mary Ellen's voice was telling her to give into her love for this man. She wouldn't... not until she knew that he was in love with her, and not some phantom from their past. She was different... he couldn't change that. But how different was what she was asking of him.
"I am in control of everything, Xander," she said. "Unless you can prove to me otherwise...." she paused. "I will not believe anything else." She looked up one last time as she let go of the man's hand before her and backed away from him. "I need to know, Xander. Do you truly understand how hard it will be for us? Even harder than it was back then...." Annemarie shook her head and hugged herself with her arms. "We have more against us now than just stereotypical prejudices. Much more I don't think you understand... things we cannot control." Annemarie just wanted to know.
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Alexander Griffiths
Hogwarts Staff
Professor History of Magic
...Angels guide me, but fate plays with me...[on:Color][of:Black and white]
Posts: 327
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Post by Alexander Griffiths on Jun 8, 2008 22:18:04 GMT -5
Xander shook his head, "I don't care" he said. Finally, something registered in his mind. "We made it through last time, this is just a bit more difficult, but we will get through this." he said, looking at Annemarie. "I love you and I don't care what they say. Do you love me?" he added, his eyes pleading to know what she really felt for him. He took a few steps towards her and waited for her answer. As much as he knew how hard it is, he didn't really care. All he cares for is Annemarie.
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Post by viola on Jun 8, 2008 23:10:54 GMT -5
"Why did you come here today, Annemarie? I'd love to believe that it was just because you missed me, though I'm sure that that is part of it, but what else?" Sister Mary Ellen asked Annemarie as she sat across from the dark haired woman. She could see it in her demeanor that something had happened. Whether or not it was good for her dear Annemarie, the Head Sister didn't know fully, but as Annemarie looked back at her from the picture and smiled once again, a warmth bustled from inside of her. "That man you spoke of is the one from the picture...." she paused. "...is it not?"
"It is," Annemarie said, but shook her head all the same. "But that was such a long time ago..." Sister Mary Ellen wasn't thinking that Annemarie was lying to her, but more lying to herself. "Time means nothing when it comes to emotions of love and sacrifice. Do you believe that all are meant for the life I have chosen, my dear girl? Others are meant to love and be loved.... Annemarie, what is going on?" Annemarie shook her head, a tear falling from her moist eye.
"He... and I... I mean," she stuttered. "How can I be still in love with him?" she looked up and shook her head. "I'm thrity three years old... I didn't see him for fifteen years.... he says he's still in love with me!" she didn't mean to yell, but she was scared. Annemarie was scared, and she felt as though she was alone in her feelings. "And he doesn't understand... we're both professors... I don't want either of us to be judged because of this... he doesn't understand...." Sister Mary Ellen stood from her seat, Annemarie's eyes never leaving the picture as she rounded the desk and set her hand upon her young one's shoulder.
Again, Sister Mary Ellen swore she saw the figures in the picture move... but when she blinked, they all were still. She shook the thoughts from her mind. "Annemarie, I know you are afraid to allow anyone close to you... you were the same with me..." she looked down into Annemarie's eyes, just as Annemarie was looking up and she shook her head. "I've seen that look in your eye before... it was the same when you came to me lost the first time. You told me your heart would never mend... is that why you decided to become a Sister?" Annemarie looked away. "I'm a lost sheep in a field that is not my own... and with a shepherd who is familiar yet foreign..." Annemarie sobbed slightly.
"And do you love him?"
"Do you love me?" his voice was desperate to have him back, and Sister Mary Ellen's voice was in her head again as she looked at him, hugging herself tighter as he came near. He didn't care about the consequences as long as he had her. As long as he could protect and save her? Did she really... hadn't she told him she could slay her own dragons? Confront her own fears? Who was the one unable to move in the chair?! It wasn't her! "I'm not weak, Xander," she said to him, her tears now stopping as she fumed with a bit of anger. "I'm not weak, but I do care. I may not be liked, but I'm respected. I can't lose that... I'm afraid to lose that." Annemarie was trying her best to explain her situation to the older man, and yet, she almost wondered if he could grasp the concept in which she was saying.
His eyes begged for her to answer his question and she finally nodded. "I do..." she whispered, looking away, unable to face his eyes any longer. "I do love you..." Annemarie paused. It was unfair to love him, and yet, not be able to show the world of such things. Surely there was someone better than she who could love him, and care for him. "But..." she said, unknowing of how to say what she felt. "But... I'm not sure it's right to anymore."
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Alexander Griffiths
Hogwarts Staff
Professor History of Magic
...Angels guide me, but fate plays with me...[on:Color][of:Black and white]
Posts: 327
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Post by Alexander Griffiths on Jun 8, 2008 23:55:07 GMT -5
"I never said you were, I know your strong. All I'm saying is that, I don't care what people say. Respect? is that all you want? for people to respect you? A long time ago, you were already respected. If that's what you really care for, I'll respect that." He backed away from her slowly and sat down on the chair again, It just hurts that you care more of what people think of you, than loving someone he added in thought. He looked down on the open book on the ground and sighed, "Just to let you know, you were already respected back then" he said.
I do... I do love you... But... But... I'm not sure it's right to anymore.
This didn't surprise Xander at all, he didn't look at Annemarie. "I don't know what to say" he said, his voice cracking a bit. He finally looked up at Annemarie, hurt written all over his face. "But congratulations. You've done it, I'm really tired and now I know I will be waiting for nothing." tears were starting to build up in his eyes again, but he didn't need to cry, not now and not ever. He stood up and looked at her, "You want to be respected? then go, be the greatest teacher you can be. Just remember this, in this very place and in this time. You didn't earn anyone's respect, in fact... you just broke someone's heart. Or should I say, you've just killed something in me. And I don't know if I'm ever going to recover from it." he said.
With those words said, tears flowed down Xander's cheeks. I shouldn't be crying he thought, turning away from her and picking up the book on the floor. He then walked over to where the book had been, he placed it back and stood straight. He then wiped his tears and held back anymore that we're threatening to spill again, he looked at Annemarie before bowing his head down and slowly walking past her.
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Post by viola on Jun 9, 2008 0:14:29 GMT -5
That wasn't what she meant to do, and yet, it was what happened every time. He care about her too much, and yet, not enough about himself in Annemarie's opinion. What was she going to do? He'd leave Hogwarts now for sure, and all of what Mary Ellen had said would be worth nothing... could Annemarie allow that to happen?
"Annemarie, please child, answer the question at least for yourself..." Mary Ellen could see the love the girl had pouring out from her, and yet, she was careful not to allow any of it to spill. What the girl needed was a dose of reality that she could only give her, and the Head sister wasn't sure if she was up for it completely. She crossed her arms and sighed, shaking her head. "Always the stubborn one, eh, Annemarie?" she asked of her, the girl still looked at the picture, but said no more.
"When you came to us, determined to be a nun, I knew it was too good to be true. I knew before you even walked through our doors... when I met you at the school, that you were just running from a past of hurt. I accepted it, and yet, I knew you weren't meant for being one of us." Mary Ellen looked back at her prized girl and sighed again. "Annemarie, you were meant to take that job for something. And then he comes back into your life, wanting to redeem himself, and the love that you both share between each other... does this mean nothing to you, my girl? Do you love him at all?" Annemarie nodded slowly. She did, but what right did she have to love him anymore?
"Then why are you here?" she asked. "Why do you sit before me... and not him?"
His arm brushed hers as she walked by, and she quickly turned and grabbed it, unsure if it was his injured arm or not. "No... wait..." she said shaking her head, her own tears flowing down her face. She was thirty two... were women her age supposed to cry? The darkness at that moment were both of their friends and she placed her body in front of Xander's, still shaking her head. "It's not what I meant... I mean... please..." she stuttered not knowing exactly what she meant to say. What did she mean to say? That she loved him, and didn't care what other's thought? That she didn't care if this was against school policy or not, for she really didn't know, or was it that she didn't care that all of those who trusted her would undoubtedly not trust her because of her connections with Xander?
"I'm sorry... it wasn't what I meant to say... I can't talk when I'm around you. Things don't ever come out right..." she looked up into his face, the wetness shown just slightly as she shook her head. "Please... that wasn't what I meant... can I not be worried of things? Am I not allowed to consider everything that would happen? I don't think I'm the one you want.... if I was, would I make you suffer like this? That's all I meant..." she looked at him, taking to heart what he said about her killing him. It was the last thing she set out to do in their next meeting... the last thing Mary Ellen had advised her to do.
"If you don't... will you not regret it? No one is saying marry the man, Heaven forbid such foolish rash actions, Annemarie. Even God, Himself, would frown upon that. But reopening your heart to a man you love... that show courage... strength." Mary Ellen knelt down, her old bones cracking a she did so. "I know your strength, and he threatens that, which scares you. It's important that you allow yourself the knowledge of how strong you are... if you two are not meant for each other, then it happens. But if you love him as much as you are denying that you do...." she shook her head. "Then, my child, I doubt you would be here with me today. And for that, I am grateful that this man is in your life..." she again paused, Annemarie looked up into Mary Ellen's old blue eyes. "For he has brought you back to me, my child. And that is a gift that I am grateful for..."
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Alexander Griffiths
Hogwarts Staff
Professor History of Magic
...Angels guide me, but fate plays with me...[on:Color][of:Black and white]
Posts: 327
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Post by Alexander Griffiths on Jun 9, 2008 0:38:26 GMT -5
Xander felt Annemarie grasp his arm and he stopped, waiting for something. why was he even waiting though? it was done, wasn't it? "What do you want me to say? that you didn't break my heart? that nothing happened? I can't, because something did happen and it's not positive either" he said, his voice cracking and tears rolling down his cheeks again. What was he supposed to do now? listen to stuff that'll probably hurt him more than he was now? That's always what he felt her doing to him right now, he was hurt enough. What could she possibly do to hurt him more?
"Yes, you can. You can also not care of what others think and of what your status may become, because I didn't care when I first said I love you and I still don't. but I guess you care so much for your job and everything you now have, and ofcourse you care for what people think of you" he said, looking away from Annemarie, but not moving. He could just easily pull away from her grasp and continue walking, but he wanted to know what she was to say.
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Post by viola on Jun 9, 2008 0:49:27 GMT -5
And so would be her downfall; the fact that she took her image to be something of importance, the fact that she believed that those around her respected her because she was a valiant woman, strict and yet fair, and above all else, one whom preached respect and in return found that she deserved it just as much as anyone else. Alexander Griffiths was not only shaking her world, but the unstable foundations that it stood upon. He fell in love with a girl who would have defied everyone and everything in order to prove a point... was she not still like that? Or was it now he couldn't see that she did the same thing, just abiding by the rules. "Then there's nothing I can say..." she said almost taken aback. Had she ruined everything by admitting to him her faults? Would he leave her now standing in the stacks alone because she was afraid of what her peers and the students would think of her reckless behavior of becoming involved with a man like Griffiths?
She looked up at Xander one last time, but he looked away from her. He scolded her about how she could do what she used to do... and above all else, Annemarie realized then that it wasn't she he truly loved, but indeed it was the phantom or her youthful self. "If you really loved me..." she whispered, her own voice cracking. "...you'd never ask me to change," she paused. "You'd accept me for who I am, just as I'm ready to accept you. I don't believe I'm the right woman for you...." again she paused, her voice hesitating to go on.
"I'm not right for you, because you love someone whom no longer exists. Parts of her do, and I'm willing to be that with time, you'll see more of her... but she's not me. I've grown up, matured.... and with as much as I do love you, I don't want you if you can't love me for who I am now..." she whispered every word, more fearing that someone would walk in on their conversation than not. Annemarie gasped once more as she reached out for his face, and then stopped short, pulling her hand back into her chest and letting go of him.
"Xander... are you sure you love..." again, she hesitated as tears began down her cheeks once more. Why was she being put in such a position?! Why was she there? "Are you sure you love, me?"
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Alexander Griffiths
Hogwarts Staff
Professor History of Magic
...Angels guide me, but fate plays with me...[on:Color][of:Black and white]
Posts: 327
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Post by Alexander Griffiths on Jun 9, 2008 1:13:41 GMT -5
"I didn't say change everything, I'm just wondering why... why you'd care more for something that's already been attained. You already have the respect you so wanted, you were just prevented to see that by the stereotypes around you. People respected you already, you just need to look around and see. See past the insults, everything negative." he said, still not looking at her.
Xander wrenched his arm away from Annemarie's grasp, "If your questioning me, ask yourself first if you haven't attained everyhting your trying to get still. I do love you, but why do you want to attain something that you've already attained?" he asked, looking at her and feeling his injured leg about to give way. He summoned the chair to him and sat down, then he sighed and looked down at his leg.
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Post by viola on Jun 9, 2008 16:43:08 GMT -5
Again, he didn't understand. "I have it now, Xander... it's that I don't want to lose it. It took..." she grunted in frustration and shook her head. He hadn't been there when she first started. He didn't see how she was treated by the now Head Boy, the Quidditch Ref and co-ref... she knew how fragile it was, and how easy it was to lose. And yet, now all he could see was the respect she had out of being who she was... but of course, he could also see how she wasn't that well like to begin with. What would happen if she flaunted herself with him? And that's exactly how she saw it, flaunting. "I care because it's important to me...." did he, couldn't he just understand that?
Xander pulled away from her and she gasped backing up and pulling into herself. "Xander... you're right... I have it. I don't want to lose it..." she hugged herself. Now it sounded like she was saying that if she was with him she'd lose the respect she earned and it wasn't what she meant... "No, I mean..." she hesitated lifting her eyes to look back at Xander who'd fallen slightly backed into the chair that he had sat in. A step or two closer, and Annemarie just stood there...
"Xander... " but there was nothing she could say... she had told him she loved him, he didn't believe her. She tried to make things the way he wanted... but he didn't want her. It was obvious; not the way she had made herself out to be...
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Alexander Griffiths
Hogwarts Staff
Professor History of Magic
...Angels guide me, but fate plays with me...[on:Color][of:Black and white]
Posts: 327
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Post by Alexander Griffiths on Jun 10, 2008 5:32:47 GMT -5
Xander nodded, "It's important to you, I understand now. So you think that maybe being with me will make you loose it all? Just because of all those rumors flying around about me? Right now, your the great and respected one. I'm just the new and frightful teacher." he said. He leaned back on the chair and closed his eyes, "I'll respect whatever you choose to do, if you want me to leave? then I will" he added. If she thinks he was trouble and wouldn't get her anywhere with him, then he'd leave. Easy as that. "Besides, rumors have been flying around. Wouldn't want you to be ruined by having me around you."
Xander...
"What else, Annemarie? what else can you rub in my face that I already know?" he asked, his voice weakening to almost a whisper and his body sagging low on the chair. "I'm already not the most likeable teacher here, what else?" he added, putting his head in his hands. "Tell me what to do, I don't know what to do. I don't know..." he said in a muffled voice. "You love your reputation so much, and I love you. I'm not asking for a change, I'm just asking you what do you want me to do"
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