Drew Thornton
Ministry of Magic
Auror-in-Training
I didn't do it and you can't prove otherwise...
Posts: 14,114
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Post by Drew Thornton on Dec 9, 2007 19:41:35 GMT -5
He still saw the compromising issue differently than she did, but he was willing to push that aside for another time. He knew they were both trying to aim for the same thing, but were they seeing the situation from two different angles.
She leaned into him and he felt a little better, even more so when she didn't bring up Celina again. Maybe she was starting to understand what he was saying. That was all he wanted. He didn't care if she agreed or believed that he was right. They couldn't go back and change what had happened and he was hoping they'd never be in that situation again. All he wanted was for her to understand that he had been scared and frustrated by it all.
"I wanted to hide under my bed all day," Drew answered softly. "I wanted to curl up and disappear so people would stop looking at me. I wanted to forget it had ever happened."
"But it ended up coming out anyway. I'd wake up screaming and Hiro would have to calm me down. Or I'd stay up all night and talk to Ari, trying not to go to sleep at all," he told her leaning his head on hers. "It wasn't so much that I wanted to talk about it. I needed to. The nightmares didn't start going away until I did."
"You can't pretend it didn't happen. It won't let you do that," he told her, but maybe that was just for him. He had also needed to go home and do some surfing, but of course the ocean would do nothing for her. Maybe talking it out wouldn't either.
"I'm sorry I pushed you to talk about it," he finally said. It just didn't seem fair that they had needed totally opposite things from the other at that time.
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Post by Felicity Hjort on Dec 9, 2007 20:23:57 GMT -5
"That's what I wanted," she answered him. To have everyone disappear or herself, the whispering gone, the portraits removed, that one suit of armour that followed her around for near to a week she was sure of it, she just wanted it all gone. Every single person, every mind, body, spirit. To have it all just disappear for a while so she could think, come to terms, understand it all for herself. That was what she wanted. "But I don't anymore Drew. I don't want to hide, I don't want to disappear. I just want to go back to normal."
Was normal even a reachable concept for her anymore? She hardly thought so. It was more an idea that was, well, ideal. Kind of like the idea of the American Dream. It was ideal, but unattainable in the sense it was known in. Was normal unattainable?
"I didn't wake up screaming Drew, because I didn't hardly sleep. When I did I wasn't where I could be easily found. I slept in the bathroom, just to get away from everyone. To get away from the nightmares." The cool floors provided an unnatural touch to her skin, her clothing, didn't allow for her to dream what tried to break through.
"But I didn't need to talk about it Drew," she continued, unable to pull away from him in the least. "I didn't need to because I didn't know what I would say. I needed to know from Celina, from her mouth, what happened. I needed her to tell me why she did what she did..." her voice caught in mid-choke thinking about how horrible she'd felt not knowing why Celina had done what she had. The inability to believe anything horrid of her. "That's what I needed. Everything that happened involved her and I couldn't talk about it without knowing what she had to say."
Whether he would understand that or not didn't matter. It was what she knew had to be done.
"And I'm not dreaming anymore, Drew. I haven't really dreamt in a week, which is close to when Celina and I spoke. She filled it all in for me, she gave me the missing piece I needed. I don't need to talk about it to make it stop...
"I know it happened, I know I can't pretend it didn't, but I can move on." Pausing for a moment, she felt worse than ever. Something still just didn't feel right. These things didn't happen to them when they were just friend, or not just friends, they didn't argue like they did now. Were they better friends than anything else? Was it possible that no matter how much she liked him it wasn't the best thing for them?
"Drew...are you happy?" she asked again, quietly.
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Drew Thornton
Ministry of Magic
Auror-in-Training
I didn't do it and you can't prove otherwise...
Posts: 14,114
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Post by Drew Thornton on Dec 9, 2007 21:10:33 GMT -5
Nope, she didn't get it. Again with how she needed to talk to Celina, and he had to pretend nothing was wrong and worry about her in private until she got around to having that discussion.
"No, I'm pretty miserable right now," he said softly, clutching her tighter just in case she thought he meant that as a precursor to a break-up. While it felt so huge, standing there in the middle of it, he wasn't ready to give up yet. "But... I think I'll get over it soon." He felt like the battle was half won, now that he was starting to understand what she was saying. She needed to get things right with Celina first and foremost. She needed to work it out in her own way, not his. He got that. Now, he just hoped that maybe he'd get her to understand his point of view soon.
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Post by Felicity Hjort on Dec 9, 2007 21:38:58 GMT -5
It was an answer she feared, one reason she regretted the question leaving her. He was miserable. And whether he got over it or not was not an answer, it was mere prolonging of either the inevitable or conversation in general. When she first asked, he gave an answer neither in the positive nor the negative, and now his answer was a negative.
And yet, he held onto her tighter.
Was he clutching to the last threads, or did he want to believe that it would be all right soon? Nearly since they'd returned after break they'd been in fights. She knew it wasn't healthy, had listened to Jenifer discuss those books about relationships with her sisters and her mum. Fighting was healthy between two people, but not with how much they fought.
And on top of it, he didn't ask her. He didn't make one indication to ask how she felt, if she was happy. Was he afraid of her answer? Did he already know?
Releasing her arms from around herself, she slid them around Drew's neck and held on tightly. She didn't want to believe that he wouldn't care, wouldn't believe that he didn't, but she couldn't let it happen any longer either.
Giving away to the tears that began falling like nothing else, she felt horrid. How could so many happy things waste away to this in her mind? All the fights, the arguing, was it really going to boil down to this?
"Drew...I don't think..." she paused, breathing deeply, trying to steady her voice. "I love you, but I don't think I'm happy right now..."
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Drew Thornton
Ministry of Magic
Auror-in-Training
I didn't do it and you can't prove otherwise...
Posts: 14,114
|
Post by Drew Thornton on Dec 9, 2007 22:02:11 GMT -5
How could she be happy when they were fighting? He didn't need to ask. It was written all over her face. "I know," he answered softly, wiping her tears. "But we can get through this, right? It's not always sunshine and roses... or in this case, snowfalls and forget-me-nots... but we can get through it." It had been a bad couple of months, but Drew was positivethat it was all stress over the whole Deva problem. Now that they were talking about it, nwo that they were working through it, things had to get better, didn't they?
Had she really said she loved him? He wasn't sure if she meant it, but it sure did make him feel better about everything. If she really loved him, then they could definitely work it out.
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Post by Felicity Hjort on Dec 9, 2007 22:24:01 GMT -5
Again, was it prolonging? The feel of his hand made her feel worse, the fact he hadn't even said anything about what she said, even more so. Yes, she believed they could work through it, but she didn't think they could work through it with how they'd been trying. As friends was the only way she could see them getting through it for now. And that thought made her feel worse than before.
"I don't think we can get through it like this," she answered him, barely able to see him through her tears. "All we've been doing is fighting, and I don't like it. You're the only one I've been fighting with..." she trailed off. Not with Celina, Corey, or anyone else, just him. "Drew, I don't want to lose you, you're one of my best friends, but I don't think we can do this anymore. Not right now. I think we need to step back and just be friends again. We need to learn how to be friends again before we can be anything else."
No, she didn't think they'd forgotten how to be friends, but she did think they'd missed some important steps along the way, somehow.
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Drew Thornton
Ministry of Magic
Auror-in-Training
I didn't do it and you can't prove otherwise...
Posts: 14,114
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Post by Drew Thornton on Dec 9, 2007 22:36:14 GMT -5
Drew gave her a puzzled look, not sure she was saying what it sounded like she was saying. He had been frustrated and upset, but now things were starting to feel better again. It wasn't just a temporary pushing aside like they had been doing. He thought things were actually starting to head in the right direction.
And now she was talking about...
"You... you want to break up?" he asked, once again confused.
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Post by Felicity Hjort on Dec 9, 2007 22:50:20 GMT -5
And now she had to clarify.
Releasing one arm from around his neck to wipe the tears from her eyes, she immediately replaced it, hating herself more and more at the moment. No, she didn't want to, she wanted to be with him, to always feel his arms around her, to be able to look into his eyes. But it was what had to be done, or so she felt, at least for now.
"No," she shook her head. "I don't want to, but I think it might help us." Biting down hard on her lip so she could hold back the tears more easily, she tried again to breathe. "I think that we need to take two steps back and try again. I think we need to be friends again, and see if that helps us. Drew, when we were friends, we didn't fight like this, we didn't hurt each other."
And whether or not he felt that way, she felt hurt sometimes with how much they fought.
"Drew, I really do love you," she repeated, feeling horrible for now just being able to willingly admit it. "But I think it will help a lot more if we try again to be friends, at least for a while..."
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Drew Thornton
Ministry of Magic
Auror-in-Training
I didn't do it and you can't prove otherwise...
Posts: 14,114
|
Post by Drew Thornton on Dec 9, 2007 23:16:03 GMT -5
She said it again, so she had to mean it. It wasn't one of those slips that sometimes happen when you weren't thinking about what you were saying. She loved him. So why was she breaking up with him?
Would it help if he said it back? Why couldn't he say it back? He knew he felt strongly about her, cared for her more than anything imaginable, so why couldn't he say that word?
"I don't," Drew told her, still not ready to give up. "This fighting... it's just because we've been stressed out. Things will get better now. We just need to give it some time. I don't want to lose you."
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Post by Felicity Hjort on Dec 9, 2007 23:27:44 GMT -5
"You're not going to," she answered. Did he really think she'd walk away and never return? How much had she stuck it out with Celina until the girl finally agreed they were friends? That had taken some special work right there. "Drew I refuse to lose you, and if you don't want to lose me, then don't. Don't make it or let it happen."
It was a simple matter of wanting something (or in this case someone) in ones life so badly, they couldn't let it go. Felicity wouldn't let go of Drew, not even after a losing battle, she wouldn't let that happen.
"I don't think it's because we've been stressed, or at least not only because of that. I agree, we need to give it time, but Drew, I think we need to give time to each other. I don't think it's going to get better if all we can do is fight with one another, even when we're trying not to."
Pulling herself in closer to him, she rested her head against his chest, just under his chin and slid her arms down from his neck to around his middle. No, she really didn't want to lose him, but she thought it would be better if they had a break, or stepped back and learned to be friends again. When they were friends they had their misunderstandings, but they didn't fight like this.
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Drew Thornton
Ministry of Magic
Auror-in-Training
I didn't do it and you can't prove otherwise...
Posts: 14,114
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Post by Drew Thornton on Dec 10, 2007 0:03:35 GMT -5
"So, we're back to just friends?" he asked, still not really sure what was going on. Sometimes it sounded like she was breaking up with him and sometimes it didn't. And if they were breaking up, were they just friends or were they just friends?
Either way, he had a feeling like he was going to be in for a whole lot more confusion.
"This is one of those times where I just have to go along with what you want, even if I don't like it, huh?" he asked quietly, feeling strange holding her when she wanted to break up, but afraid of letting her go and making it real.
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Post by Felicity Hjort on Dec 10, 2007 0:33:01 GMT -5
Nodding against him, she too didn't want to let go. Just friends, like in September when he had to get her out of the tree or when he first helped her with wandwork. Friends. Nothing more, nothing less. While she figured it would be hard, getting back to that stage, especially after everything, she thought it would be better than nothing at all. It was her own doing, but it felt right, even if at the same time if felt wrong.
"Yes," she answered softly before standing on tip toe to kiss him softly on the lips one last time. The sky was in full bloom of a new day, the rain pouring down as it had been since she'd stepped outside. As beautiful as the scene out of doors was, it was imperfect, or was it all the more perfect because of the ability it had to wash away what happened? Pulling away, she rested her head back to it's spot under his chin.
"How could you not? It's hard to be in something that isn't there, isn't it?" she asked him, failing at trying to joke. But he couldn't participate in a relationship that didn't exist on a level he might have wanted it to. Even if she wanted it to continue as badly.
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Drew Thornton
Ministry of Magic
Auror-in-Training
I didn't do it and you can't prove otherwise...
Posts: 14,114
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Post by Drew Thornton on Dec 10, 2007 0:58:44 GMT -5
The realization that it was really happening hit and when she kissed him, it stung. He was already getting confused. If they were just friends, could she snuggle him like that? Did he want to go along with it, pretending things were the way they should be, and risk getting his heart broken? She said she didn't want to lose him, but she wanted to just be friends.
He pulled away from her, finding it just hurt too much to have his arma around her like it didn't mean anything. That little voice in his head yelled at him to just walk away, but he couldn't do that. He couldn't leave her. "I don't want to lose you, Felicity," he said again. The miserable feelings that had left mere minutes ago were back ten-fold. "I don't want to do this."
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Post by Felicity Hjort on Dec 10, 2007 1:16:34 GMT -5
As he pulled himself from her arms, she felt the shattering of her heart. The last veins that were holding it together as they stood there snapped. The fragile glass it could've been made of smashed against a hardwood floor, the pieces scrambled hitherto in hiding, and she could do nothing about it. At that moment she knew what it felt like to have her first heartbreak, and it felt worse than anyone could describe.
Wrapping her arms around herself again, hoping to hold together anything and everything that felt like it was being torn to shreds, she felt like the worse person in the world.
"I don't want to either, Drew, but I really think we need to," she choked out, not knowing what to say. "I don't want to fight anymore, and especially not with you. I just...I don't know what else to do." What she wanted to do was sink into the mud, never to be found again. She wanted to stop feeling the pain that rose when he stepped away. She wanted her heart to feel whole again.
"And if you don't want to lose me, then don't lose me. Drew, I still want to be your friend, I still want to be able to spend time with you. I don't think I couldn't do that. And we can try again, but I think we need a little time..."
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Drew Thornton
Ministry of Magic
Auror-in-Training
I didn't do it and you can't prove otherwise...
Posts: 14,114
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Post by Drew Thornton on Dec 10, 2007 1:31:12 GMT -5
"I don't. I don't think we need to," Drew answered, hugging himself against the cold, feeling like he was never going to be as warm again as he was with her in his arms. "You're making all these decisions and I don't have any say in it." He knew what to do. He knew exactly what to do and it wasn't breaking up.
"Why can't we just take the time together?" he asked, kicking at the ground, watching the little mud splashed against his tennis shoe. Of course, he knew it was pointless to argue. If he forced her to stay with him, she'd just be more miserable and he didn't want that.
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